Couldn't fit these anywhere else,
and was too lazy to
set up a bunch of new categories. :-)
Submit Joke Now
ON POETIC LOVE
When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray
To err is human; to moo bovine.
ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a co-ordinate transform.
Some people say I must be a horrible person. But that's not true!
I have the heart of a young boy. In a jar. On my desk.
ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to
resemble a nail.
He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, dead.
ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because
someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the
top. - An Ohio U. English Prof.
ON FORMER FACULTY MEMBERS WHO BECAME MINISTERS
It's really "publish or parish."
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional
division by zero.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with
great force. -Dorothy Parker
The meek shall inherit the earth. They are too weak to refuse.
Grable's law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for very large values of 2.
ALSO ON NUMBERS
Can be found right after Leviticus.
ON THERE NEVER BEING COINCIDENCES
Two major products came out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
This is from an actual trial in the UK.
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her, and she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had
Then the case came before the court, and the young man was asked why he acted in
such a manner. His reply was:
When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
The case was dismissed.
A young potato goes to her father one day and says, 'Dad, I have wonderful news. I'm getting married!"
"Wonderful," says the Potato father. "Who are you going to marry?"
The potato daughter says, "I'm going to marry a Russet."
"Russets are outstanding Potatoes. You have my blessing. They come from fine stock. Get married and have a long, happy life."
Then the second Potato daughter goes to the Potato father and says, "Dad, I have wonderful news. I'm getting married, too."
Her potato father says, "What marvelous news! Who are you going to marry?"
To this she replies, "I am going to marry an Idaho."
The potato father says, "Idaho's are also wonderful Potatoes. You have my blessing as I know they are terrific with excellent roots.
Then the third daughter goes to her father and says, "I, too, am getting married."
The potato dad says, "I can't believe this. I am so happy. Who are you going to marry?
The third daughter replies: Dan Rather."
"Dan Rather??", exclaims the shocked father. "You can't marry Dan Rather. He's a commontater."
More Bumper Stickers
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
All generalizations are false.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I brake for no apparent reason.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
Born free...Taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Rehab is for quitters.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS..
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
No radio - Already stolen.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekashun.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Keep honking...I'm reloading.
Caution: I drive like you do.
Here are some notes from an INEXPERIENCED chili taster named
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted
to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're
an internet writer and therefore
known and adored by all."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
DOUG HANSEN: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
DOUG HANSEN: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what
I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
DOUG HANSEN: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a
!?aa?!?%??! uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
DOUG HANSEN: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was
unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I
wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled ... it's kinda cute.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
DOUG HANSEN: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my
eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
DOUG HANSEN: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at
the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3,-- he appears to be in a bit of distress.
DOUG HANSEN: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with
chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
Chili a 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
DOUG HANSEN: Momma??!!
You know you live in the Northwest if you...
1. Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
2. Know at least eight people who work for companies that manufacture computer parts, airplanes, or athletic shoes.
3. Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, and Thai food.
4. Return from a California vacation depressed because "all the grass was dead."
5. Know the vast difference between SBC, Torrefazone, Coffee People and Starbucks.
6. Take a half day every July 1 to find your sunglasses and sunscreen.
7. Remember the date, severity, time of day, where you were, and how long you were out of power and phone service for every winter-weather event in the last five years.
8. Feel guilty for days after throwing an aluminum can in the trash instead of recycling it.
9. Get very, very happy when the early morning weather forecast includes the term "sun breaks."
10. Are able to use 10 words to order a beverage the rest of the country calls "coffee."
11. Have ever called your insurance agent to ask if your homeowner's policy covers falling trees, flooding, or mud slides - or if the number of your favorite roofing company is on your phone's "speed-dial" list.
12. Never go camping without waterproof matches, ponchos, and mattress pads that double as flotation devices.
13. Know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
14. Moved to the Northwest because you read that the two most popular hobbies are fishing and reading. Since arriving you've taken up fly fishing and learned to tie flies by reading a book.
15. Consider that if it doesn't have snow on it or has not recently erupted, regardless of elevation, it is a "hill" and not a "mountain."
16. Complain about Californians until the day you sell your house to one for twice what you paid for it.
17. Don't complain about Californians because you secretly married to one or are dating one.
18. Find a wallet with $500 in it, return it all to the owner and refuse a reward.
19. Know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
20. Used to live somewhere else.
21. Believe swimming is not a sport but a survival skill to prevent boating deaths.
22. Believe swimming should only be done indoors, except in emergencies.
23. Own more than 10 articles of clothing that have the names of microbrewries/brewpubs printed on them. Bonus for embroidery.
24. Wave at people who drive Ford Explorer sport utility vehicles like yours.
25. Basically, you just drive down the road waving.
26. Can point in the direction of two or more volcanoes even though you can't see them through the clouds.
27. Think downtown is "scary" because you were panhandled there once.
28. Go to work and return home in the dark in the winter, even though you only have an eight-hour work day.
29. Find that when the weather gets above 60 degrees, you replace your hiking boots with Birkenstock or Teva sandals.
30. Believe people who use umbrellas are wimps, Californians, or both.
31. You are sitting at a downtown red light. The light turns green and the car in front of you does not move. You do not honk. After two more light changes, you approach the driver to ask if they need any assistance
A LITTLE MIXED UP
Just a line to say I'm living,
That I'm not among the dead,
Though I'm getting more forgetful
and mixed up in my head.
I've got used to my arthritis,
to my dentures I'm resigned.
I can manage my bifocals,
But, Oh God, I miss my mind.
For sometimes I can't remember
when I stand at the foot of the stairs
If I must go up for something
Or I've just come down from there.
And before the refridge, so often
My poor mind is filled with doubt
Have I just put food away, or
have I come to take some out?
And there's times when it is dark
With my nightcap on my head
I don't know if I'm retiring, or
just getting out of bed.
So, if it's my turn to write you
There's no need you getting sore,
I may think that I have written
and don't want to be a bore.
So remember, I do love you,
And wish that you were near
But it's nearly mail time,
So must say, "Goodbye Dear"
P.S. Here I stand beside the mailbox
With face so very red,
Instead of mailing you my letter,
I've opened it instead ! ! !
New Official State Mottos
YOU MIGHT BE FROM SEATTLE IF YOU:
Next time you get pulled over by a cop, here's an idea...
The person in question, a woman as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said: "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball."
He replied: "No, Highway Patrolmen don't have balls."
There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
The following are the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in New Woman Magazine.
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
"The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The
last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter" -- Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia
"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,
but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over
for a romantic night alone. "As we lay in bed after making love, we heard
the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her
a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't
have time to get dressed. When
we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
"Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again." -- Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come
upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount
store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items
had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom
and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN,
TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the
misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed
back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
Examine Bill Gates' Wealth Compared to Yours
Consider the average American of reasonable but modest wealth.
Perhaps he has a net worth of $100,000. Mr. Gates' worth is 400,000 times larger.
Which means that if something costs $100,000 to him, to Bill it's as though
it costs 25 cents. You can work out the right multiplier for your own net
So for example, you might think a new Lamborghini Diablo would cost $250,000, but in Bill Gates dollars that's 63 cents.
That fully loaded, multimedia active matrix 233 MHZ laptop with the 1024x768 screen you've been drooling after? A penny.
A nice home in a rich town Palo Alto, California? Two dollars.
That nice mansion he's building? A reasonable $125 to him.
You might spend $100 on tickets, food and parking to take your family to see an NHL hockey game. Bill, on the other hand, could buy the team for 100 Bill- bills.
You might buy a plane ticket on a Boeing 747 for $1200 at full-fare coach. In Bill-bills, Mr.. Gates could buy three 747s. One for him, one for Melinda and one for young Jennifer Katherine.
Evan Marcus, a Systems Engineer from Fair Lawn, New Jersey who maintains a Bill Gates Net Worth Page on his web site, notes that Bill could buy every single major league team in Baseball, Football, Basketball and Hockey for only about 35% of his net worth -- plenty left over to buy a European sport.
Of course then he wouldn't have around $150 for every person in the USA as he does now. Nor could he still give $6.70 to every person on the planet.
Marcus suggests that Bill could only pay Michael Jordan's 1997 salary only 1300 times, but that he could buy 902 million subscriptions to TV guide. He's also fascinated by how much all this money would be if put into dollar bills. Laid end to end, the Bills would stretch 3.8 million miles -- to the moon and back over 8 times. They could paper over all of Manhattan 7 times, or be stacked 2,690 miles high -- watch out for satellites. They would weigh 40,000 tons -- 100 times the weight of one of those 747s he bought above.
But one thing Marcus says Bill can't do is even dent the national debt. Should he selflessly donate his stock to the U.S. treasury, he would reduce the $5.37 trillion national debt by well under 1%. It's nice to put things in perspective. :-)
Things you NEVER hear a Redneck say:
Some "dirty old men" were wanting to help their friend at the rest home celebrate his 90th birthday. They decided to set him up at the local hotel with a "lady of the night" to give him what might well be his last night of worldly pleasure.
After a few minutes alone, the old gentleman heard a knock on the hotel room door. When he opened the door there stood the most voluptuous woman he'd ever seen!
She looked at him and spoke with a deep, inviting voice, "I'm here to give you SUPER SEX."
The old gent looked her over again, and with a bit of a quiver in his voice, responded, "Ma'am, I believe I'd better take the SOUP!"
The wedding date was set, and the groom's three pals-a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed-with alternating current of course. The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable. The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the groom's buddies received the following note: "Dear friends, We didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear, I'm going to kill whoever put novacaine in the K-Y jelly!!!!
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in the Pentagon, people often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip
2. Changing riders
3. Saying things like "This is the way we have always ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit to other sites to see how they ride dead horses
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment
10. Pass legislation declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Blaming the horse's parents
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed
13. Declaring that NO horse is too dead to beat
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance
15. Do a cost analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper
16. Procure a commercial off-the-shelf dead horse
17. Declare the horse is better, faster and cheaper dead
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable
21. BRAC the horse farm on which it was born
22. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position
23. Name the dead horse "Paradigm Shift" and keep riding it
24. Ride the dead horse "smarter, not harder."
25. Call the dead horse "Joint" and let others ride it
26. Ride the dead horse "outside of the box"
27. Declare the dead horse an ACTD and let DARPA ride it
28. Brand the carcass "TS-SCI" and refuse to confirm or deny the horse's death
29. Kill all the other horses
30. Make dead-horse-riding a career field
31. Give dead-horse-riders an incentive bonus
32. Digitize it
33. Call it an RDHA - "Revolution in Dead Horse Affairs"
34. Tell Congress the horse was never meant to be alive
35. Blame the rider for not knowing how to ride dead horses
36. Form a Guard and Reserve dead horse detachment and donate it
37. Put a Blue Ribbon on it and declare it the winner
38. Cordon it off and declare it a "special operation"
The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.
The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.
When she told them the paramedics started laughing so hard one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks him, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in... Some things you just can't explain.
A Science Lesson
These are responses to a contest sponsored by Omni magazine: ·
Grand Prize Winner: When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. ·
Runner-Up: If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks shooting an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille. ·
Runner-Up: Why Yawning is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out. ·
Runner-Up: Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate. ·
Runner-Up: The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
Outside a small Macedonian village close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of the site of significant historical developments spanning more than 2,000 years.
When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia. However, that isn't likely to happen soon as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gather of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed the Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed - either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of democratic government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant. When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost.
Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base, amidst the strife of war-torn Yugoslavia, and when she goes, that will be it.
Thus, that's how it ends - with No Huns, No Writs, No Eros, and Nun left on base.
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called--you left your wheelchair there again."
How many members of your sign... Does it take to change a light bulb?
Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?
Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away
Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done - they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.
Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1millionth
Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?
Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?
Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...
Pisces: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
A man was standing by the back fence talking to his neighbor.
"Yeah," he said, "my wife and I were having horrible problems with our memory until we went to this really great seminar. The instructor taught us all sorts of great tricks to remember things."
The neighbor was impressed and said, "You know, I've been having problems with my memory, too. What was the name of the seminar? I think I'll sign up."
The first man thought about it for a minute and said, "Now, let me see. To remember, I need to use one of those tricks we were taught. Let's see. What is that flower? It's really fragrant, has beautiful blooms, and has long stems with thorns?"
The neighbor replied, "You mean a rose?"
"Yeah! That's it!" The man turned away and yelled to his wife, "Hey Rose! What's the name of the memory seminar we attended?"
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you're allowed only one seat."
The man moaned but didn't budge.
"Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager."
The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?"
"Joe," he mumbled.
"And where're you from, Joe?"
Joe responds painfully... "The balcony."
Top Ten Worst Things to See Written on Your FINALS PAPER Paper in Red Ink:
10. See me after class.
9. Did you even read the material?
8. It's a C, but it's a strong C.
7. Fascinatingly convoluted.
6. My, what nice, big margins!
5. You must've been up all last night.
4. The book ends differently than the movie.
3. Spelling requires more than just sounding it out.
2. Are you familiar with the term "plagiarism"?
1. Tell your mom to try harder.
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, were in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mummie, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?", to which the mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."
The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mummie, do the ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
A guy is speeding when a cop starts to chase him. The guy tries to outrun the cop, but the cop catches him. The cop walks up to the guy's car and says, "If you can give me one good reason why you were trying to outrun me, I'll let you go." The guy says, "My wife left me for a cop, and when I saw you in my rearview mirror, I thought you were him, bringing her back to me."
Fun Things To Do In The Bathroom
1. Stick your palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,"may I borrow a high-lighter?
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time someone breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say "Hmmm ,I've never seen that color before."
5. Say "Damn, this water is cold".
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantalope into the toilet bowl from a high place then sigh relaxingly.
7 Say, Now how did that get in there?
8. Fill up a large flask of Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "whoa! Easy boy!!"
9. Say "Interesting.... more sinkers than floaters."
10. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor and say,"Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?
13 Say "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?
14 .Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on you butt cheeks.
15. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see you neighbor and say,"Peek-a-boo!"
16 Drop a D-Cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free''.
YOU MIGHT BE AN ALASKAN IF ....
1. You have ever gone to the bathroom on an airplane that did not have a bathroom.
2. Someone mentions "super cub" and you do not envision a tiny bear wearing blue tights and a red cape.
3. When traveling, you actually carry extra pair of briefs in your briefcase.
4. You are vacationing in Hawaii when a beautiful woman in a bikini walks by and you think, "Boy I'd sure like to see her in a snowmobile suit."
5. You have ever participated in a conversation about the Reds and the White Sox but baseball was not the topic.
6. You can see the road through the floorboard of your pickup truck.
7. You get on an airplane and there are so many "big oilfield guys," hanging over their seats that the aisle has disappeared.
8. You have ever called an 800 number you found in a catalog and were told, "Alaska? Oh, we don't ship to foreign countries."
9. You have ever put up with the pain of a toothache until the Permanent Fund checks came out in October.
10. You know going "outside" involves a lot more than opening the door and walking out into the yard.
11. You have ever worn a tie with waders.
12. You have ever worn underwear that had something called a "trapdoor."
13. You have learned to never say to your kids, "Be home by dark!"
14. You know a tail-dragger is an airplane, not a bad day at the office.
15. You know that a Spenard Divorce involves a 357 magnum, not a lawyer.
16. You know bunny boots aren't worn by bunnies or made out of bunnies.
17. You know the meaning of the word "Baleen" and it has nothing to do with making hay into large cubes.
18. You take off your shirt and your arms are as pale as your legs all the way to your wrists.
19. You think the term "breakup" has more to do with the weather than personal relationships.
20. Your monthly Alascom phone bill is larger than your house payment.
21. Your relatives/friends think you live too far away for them to come visit you, but you should come see them more often.
22. You know its OK to lick an Easter seal but you should never lick a Harbor seal.
23. You have ever watched hot water freeze while it boiled on the stove.
24. The reason you don't own a poodle is an eagle ate the last one.
25. There is a bottle of Avon's Skin-so-Soft in your tackle box.
26. You've seen all the videos in the nearest video store, twice.
27. You cringe anytime you see Teresa Obermeyers face on the TV news or a legislator talking about corruption.
28. You don't know anyone that doesn't own a 4-wheeler.
29. You tell the lower-48 bill collector that "The check is in the mail", and you're not lying.
White House Voice Mail
Thank you for calling the White House. You have reached the White House voicemail system. No one is available to take your call at this time because the entire administration is out to lunch. Please follow these instructions carefully to leave your message. When you are finished, don't hang up until the FBI finishes tracing the call. Have a nice day.
If you are male and would like to leave a message for the president, press 9.
If your are female and would like to leave a message for the president, press M-O-T-E-L-6.
To leave a message for Mrs. Clinton, press N-O-W.
If you are male and would like to leave a message for Chelsea, press N-O-W- A-Y.
To leave a message for Buddy, press D-O-G.
To leave a message for Socks, press D-O-G-F-O-O-D.
To leave a message for Roger Clinton, press A-A.
To leave a message for Ted Kennedy, Press 7-A-N-D-7.
If you are from Arkansas, ask the next person who walks by to show you which button has a 2 on it and then press it.
If you are calling with a question about affirmative action, press 3 and step to the back of the phone booth.
If you are calling to arrange a night in the Lincoln bedroom, press D-O-L-L- A-R.
If you are calling to arrange a White House coffee conference, pres Y-E-N.
If you are calling to support Hillary's birth control program, press F-R-I- G-I-D.
If you are calling leave a message for Janet Reno, press W-A-C-O.
To leave a message for the president's advisor on women's rights, press O-J.
To leave a message for Steven Speilberg to give to Barney Frank, press E-T-P-H-O-N-E-H-O-M-O.
To leave a message for a member of Congress, press B-I-G-D-O-N-O-T-H-I-N-G.
To leave a message for the Gore 2000 campaign, press H-O-P-E-L-E-S-S.
To speak to an operator, press O.
To speak to a slick operator, stay on the line and the president will answer your call shortly.
A Preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. Mind if I have a few? asked the Preacher. No, not at all the woman replied. They chatted for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm totally sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few". "Oh that's alright, the woman said". Ever since I've lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
I don't date women my age. There aren't any. (Milton Berle)
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. (M. Berle)
As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. (Robert Benchley)
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.
I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower. (Gypsy Rose Lee)
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news-- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
"The first law of politics: Never say anything in a national campaign that anyone might remember." Eugene McCarthy
H&R Block rep's Note: Sometimes a story comes to our attention that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it a good Block tax story. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of last year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and credits. We believe the letter speaks for itself.
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years.
They are evil & expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours! The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze; next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an airplane.
Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date:
"Rats, they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions."
ACTUAL RESUME BLUNDERS
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
Who is Jack Schitt? The Lineage Revealed
Are you at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt"? Now, you can handle the situation.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 3 children: Holie Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt (a high school dropout).
After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt, and two daughters, Fulla and Giva.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood, and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, Horce and Bull. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
AND THEN THERE IS THE GRANSON, SAMO SCHITT, WHO WORKS AT (your company name here) EVERYDAY!
Subject: IRS Inquiry
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel. The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
The woman replied, "I am a lesbian. I wake up in the morning and I think of women. I sit at my desk at work and watch the women and think about how I'd love to make one of them. I drive home from work and whistle at all the pretty girls I see on the way. I watch tv and get attracted by the women on the screen. When I go shopping, I watch for sexy women and proposition them. I love women! I just can't help myself. I need a woman in my arms. I Am totally manic about women! I fantasize about them and wake up with a Wet spot on the sheets."
They continued talking. Time passed and the woman left the bar. The Bartender came up to the cowboy and asked if he was a REAL cowboy.
Shrugging his shoulders, the cowboy replied,"I used to think so, but now I think I am a lesbian."
Similarities between Nixon and ClintonNixon: Watergate
Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore
Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case
Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: (No difference)
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying "He's the one!"
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on a 'ho
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her
Submit Joke Now